@ordinarytraveler

2020: The year that broke my heart wide open. . I'll never forget the message I got from Mother Ayahuasca two years ago during my first plant medicine ceremony. I asked her how to open my heart to love and she whispered, "compassion." She showed me depths of compassion I had never known (up until that point in my life) as I sat in our sacred circle that night and listened to my fellow brothers and sisters wail and purge lifetimes of hurt. I felt their pain as if it were my own. . I have always been an extremely sensitive person and I used to loathe that about myself. I believe this led to my drug and alcohol addiction throughout the last 25ish years of my life. The pain was just too much to feel and I did anything I could to numb it. . Until I realized I was unintentionally numbing my joy. When we numb ourselves, we can't choose which emotions to numb, so we cut ourselves off from our very life force. . As I sit here and look back at the past 6 months of my life, I'm amazed at the depths I have felt everything that has happened -- not just to me, but to my fellow humans and Mother Earth. I chose not to numb these feelings. I let myself fall apart, over and over again. Each time, in the midst of it, thinking I wouldn't survive the pain. . I watched as these old beliefs resurfaced and I was able to see them in a new light. Yes, I built those walls to protect myself long ago because I was too young to understand. Now, I finally realize that I can hold all of it without shattering. . As I write this I am reminded of a quote by one of my favorite writers, Jeff Brown. "It's not about rising above the human condition. What it is actually about is getting to the depths of your being. Your truest power. Your feet planted on Mother Earth. We don’t need to rise. We need to deepen. Only from here can we heal and transform our species." . . .

My heart is so full from all of your support on my post yesterday. I cried reading every single comment. • I’m going to be excruciatingly honest and tell you that I’ve never felt like I connected with other people. Ever since I was a child, I always thought nobody could possibly understand me or my pain. There are times when I have shared personal things and haven’t gotten the feedback I had hoped for which just reinforced this belief. I am sure that is the case for many of us. • Yesterday, you guys helped to change that belief so thank you from the bottom of my heart. ❤️ And now I’m crying again. 😆 • Sending love and hugs to all of you. .

I’m not ok. • The past couple of months have been brutal. I feel like I’ve had the shit kicked out of me by life so many times that I finally have nothing left in me to fight back. I’ve been struggling to find my inner strength. As someone who’s no stranger to deep emotional work, I feel like this should be easy by now. But it’s far from easy and I feel like I’ve lost myself in the midst of all of this. • I have watched as all of the big changes I have been working towards for the past 2 years almost come to fruition so many times, only to be taken away at the very last minute. I’ve felt terrified and a loss of control as my fur baby came close to dying and then proceeded to have two sets of surgeries with multiple weeks of recovery. I’ve watched as the career I built for the past 10 years become nearly obsolete overnight. I’ve struggled for months to move out of a living situation that feels toxic, only to have every single effort get shot down time after time. • I’ve been given so many heart-breaking lessons all at once and it all feels like too much too fast. I can’t even count how many times I break down and cry on a daily basis now. • As I write this I can’t help but think that so many people have it so much worse. But this isn’t a competition. We all have our own demons to face and wounds to heal. 💕 • *I went to the beach for sunset for the first time since March and saw this group setting off this lantern. While it’s not something I would personally do - because of the fire danger here - simply watching this made me feel lighter, which is why I shared it. Lately, I am actively trying not to judge other people for their actions. Honestly, there is a lot of judgement going around. I believe people are just doing the best that they know how at their current level of awareness. Please be kind to each other. 🙏 Everyone is fighting their own battles.

Take me back to this place! • I found this photo from my solo trip to Switzerland back in 2018 and I can’t believe how much this cat looks like Oliver, who became part of my family about 6 months later. • I have been dreaming of Switzerland lately. If I could go anywhere right now, that would be my first choice. • Where would you go? . . . . . . .

I’ve been noticing a lot of old trauma resurfacing in my body lately. For me, I’m trying to navigate how to feel safe in a world that feels increasingly unsafe. Some of it is irrational and some of it is rational (I was literally stalked in broad daylight recently in my own neighborhood). . My world feels like it’s shrinking and there’s definitely a part of me that just wants to hide away. There’s a part of me that feels very angry, sad, lost... the list goes on. . If you’re feeling old shadows resurfacing, it’s a common theme right now and you are not crazy. . My daily meditation practice has switched to 30 minutes of just sitting in silence and becoming aware of anything that wants to be felt in this moment. This practice has made it so much easier to move through these emotions throughout the day without unconsciously reacting to them. . Sending love to all of you. I’m here if anyone needs someone to talk to... or just listen. Stay safe, fellow humans. 💗

So much wisdom in these trees. Mother Nature... I’m listening. . . . . . . . . . .

As liberating as self-development is, often it is anything but easy. To look directly in your soul and to acknowledge how many layers you will have to chisel away to become the person you forgot about can be terrifying. We are our habits. Without our awareness, our habits are “comfortable”, complacent and almost completely subconscious. • The level of self-awareness and willingness required to call yourself out on your own superficial layers isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. • This is for those that are willing to face the uncomfortable pursuit of more. For those that walk through the unknown, the darkness, the powerful withdrawal of the familiar to build a beacon of light in themselves that can never be diminished. • Learn to sit with the unfamiliar. In doing so, you’re creating space for the life you thought you would have as a child to become a reality. ✨ . . . . . .

❤️❤️❤️

End racism

Japan: where I got a sneak peek of what life would be like in 2020. When my cousin and I visited Japan in November, we bought masks and wore them when riding public transportation because it felt like the courteous thing to do. Little did we know, this would soon become the norm for us. . How’s everyone doing lately? Things are starting to open up here in San Diego and life feels a little more normal even though we still haven’t been out much. Maybe I’m just getting too used to sheltering in place and now going out feels weird. 😆 . . . . . . .

Missing these views in Hawaii. 🌴 . . . . . . . . . . .

I wrote this last year during one of my darkest hours and I stumbled across it as I was making a video of the time I spent underwater in Hawaii last month. I don’t know why but I felt called to use these words as a voiceover — something I’ve always wanted to do but have never given myself permission to do. . Our current world circumstance has shown me how often I put off many of the things I want to do because I'm worried about how people will respond to it. Something has changed this past month though. I no longer feel worried about how the world will respond to my creative expression. It's like a fire has been lit inside of me... and all I can do is surrender to the flame. . Anybody else feeling this call to BE YOU stronger than ever? . . . . . 🐬